Once in a while I will feel a pang of guilt because I don't believe all the mythology anymore. I do however catch myself from time to time saying things like, "Oh Lord, please don't let me be getting sick," or "Thank god I'm not sitting behind that crying baby." I came across Richard Dawkins book, "The God Delusion." After reading it, things just became clear. The past couple years I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure myself out and where I fit in. Even though I didn't have the same old beliefs I had before, I was still taken aback at the thought that someone, especially a member of my own family, could just not believe in some sort of "higher power" or whatever you want to call it. I remember visiting my older brother and him telling me that he was an atheist. Nothing I ever did at church ever changed the feelings I had when I left the building.Īfter I got out of the South and moved on I knew I didn't prescribe to that brand of belief, but I thought I had to hold on to to some sort of belief. The thing was, I knew I was gay and I prayed and prayed to be "delivered." I had preachers try to "cast out the homosexual demon." Nothing worked. I was told that I was an abomination and a "stink in god's nostrils." I am gay and going to church three times a week, sitting there listening to how I was going to hell unless I changed my ways, was the most unbelievably horrible mind fuck anyone could receive. I was raised the first 18 years of my life in a United Pentecostal Church, and those were the most awful years of my life. Religion is horrible and there is no god. I have just recently come to my good senses concerning religion and god.
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